Dealing with Difficult People
by
Dennis Gersten, M.D.
When we talk about difficult people, we're almost always judging those people.
They're too much this or too little of that. But if we're honest with
ourselves, difficult people can teach us a lot. Here's one way to start.
The Judgment Review
Imagine that you are with a Divine Being, a Higher Consciousness. . . a
being who embodies love, compassion, wisdom and strength. Scan this being
from head to toe (or top to bottom if this Presence is a glowing light without
form). Let yourself relax into being in his or her presence.
Now begin to get in touch with the judgments you've experienced
today. Get in touch with the thoughts, feelings and images and then release
the judgment to your Higher Consciousness. I'm sure he or she will gladly
take the burden from you.
Now review the past week and go through the same process. Allow
each judgment to literally flow out of you and be received by your Higher
Consciousness. Finally, review your entire life. Look for the really big
judgments . . . and then let go of them.
If being judgmental is a big problem for someone, I suggest they do a
judgment review . . .
. . . each night before they fall asleep. They review the judgments of the day
and let go of them. Of course, it's important not to judge one self for being
judgmental. If you judge yourself for being judgmental . . . release that
judgment to your Higher Consciousness.
The process of growth is something like the process of peeling away the
layers of an onion . . . one layer after another. Once you begin to peel away
the judgment layer, a deeper layer can be seen. My patient Joe, a middle-level
manager, illustrates this issue nicely. Joe wanted my help with his
judgmental attitude. He was aware that the more judgmental he became at
work, the more people backed off. In the process, work relationships became
more and more strained.
After Joe spent a session working on his judgments, he said to me, "I
know why I do that. I need the distance, the separation, the space that
judgments provide. This reminds me of my mother. She's sixty-five and still
doing, doing, doing for others. She can never say, 'no.' And I'm like that. I
can't say, 'no.' Being judgmental allows me to keep my distance from people
and it kind of is a way of saying, 'no'. . . . indirectly. I'm afraid if I'm more
available to people, they'll want more of me . . . more of my time and energy.
I'll be sucked dry."
I asked Joe to practice the judgment review each night. And, of course,
this technique helped peel away one layer of the onion so that deeper issues
in his life could be examined.
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